Till My Soul is Satisfied

 [Insert obligatory introductory apology for not blogging in 4 years]

Whew, with that said -

I've been thinking about this song a lot in the last year - I Will Wait for You (Psalm 130) by Shane & Shane. I pretty much listen to it on loop for a few weeks every few months (so, nonstop 😉). But before I explain why, let me intrigue you with this:

My husband and I are struggling with infertility.

So there's that. If you're not comfortable with this topic, this is your cue to exit stage left. I won't be offended. It's a difficult topic.

We've been trying for 2 years as of next month. And at the very beginning of this journey we prayed, before we stopped using any contraception, that God would be sovereign in planning our family. We truly believe that God can open and close any womb. I had known many couples who said they were going to "let the Lord plan their family" as the reason they stopped using birth control, and usually they just proceeded to then get pregnant "unexpectedly". I had often scoffed that this was less trusting God and more a cop out from actually communing with God and submitting our plans to Him. It's much harder to seek out an unseen God and ask Him for guidance about when would be the right time to make yourself available for a baby, than it is to simply try for a baby and hope that God stops you if the timing is wrong (I can be really harsh in private haha I'm sorry, I'm still growing). But we felt in our own wisdom we were in an okay season to embark on the path to parenthood. So, there we were, praying in earnest that if God knew better about the right time, He would keep us from getting pregnant.

I didn't really think He would, but I also genuinely meant what I prayed. Now here we are 2 years later, we've been given a clean bill of health from our doctors and have no explanation for why two young and healthy adults aren't having any success conceiving.

It's hard. I'm not going to lie. Both my sisters had surprise firstborns, so I thought I likely inherited a genetic predisposition to super fertility. My husband has had several surprise nieces and nephews on his side as well. I half-expected that just thinking about babies might get us pregnant. So, when we weren't getting pregnant after months of trying, we grieved a little bit. The first phase of grief was over adjusting our expectations.

The second phase of grief was a bit heavier as we processed our one miscarriage. In two years I have been pregnant only once, and I made it a mere 6 weeks before it was over. We knew about it for a week, and then it was gone. It's not enough time to have grown an emotional connection such that we grieved the loss of a little person; I hadn't fully accepted I was pregnant yet except that I had those faint double lines. More it was that we grieved the loss of that hope. And the longer we've gone without another pregnancy, the deeper that loss. 

The third phase of grief has been the pain of watching other's successes. Every pregnancy announcement painfully reminds me of what we still wait for. I want to be happy for my friends, and eventually I get there most of the time. But first I grieve.

This season has been a continual loop of praying, trusting, getting discouraged, bitterness, jealousy, pain, surrender, praying, and trusting. I have struggled with how to share what we're going through because I didn't want to invoke a pity party, and I'm a bit of an introvert and don't care for excess attention, and I didn't want to steal someone else's thunder by sharing our story at the same time as someone else's pregnancy announcement or something like that. I didn't even know how to share it as a prayer request because on one hand - I don't want to ask for prayer that we get pregnant if this is actually God just answering our prayer for Him to be sovereign over planning our family, but on the other hand I don't want to pretend that I don't really want a baby right now. So, what is my prayer request?

Enter: my opening song.

Coming back to the song I opened this post with, I think I've found my prayer request. I want, more than anything, for my soul to continually find its satisfaction in Christ. I want to want Him more than I want kids. And I want to rest in Our love as I wait for Him. One of the greatest seasons of my life was when I found myself in this place of just being delighted in Jesus' love. I remember driving home from work once and catching myself with this stupid grin on my face, and realizing that it was thinking about Jesus that put it there. God's presence was so tangible and my relationship with Him was so sweet and precious to me. I'm so thankful for the witness of the Holy Spirit moving in my life.

In this challenging season I find my desire for children competing with my desire to be His child, and it sucks the joy and life out of my relationship with Him. So I lay it all down again at the feet of Jesus. And man is it good to be held by Him again, like a loving shepherd tending to His beloved sheep.

This is my prayer, and my request.

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to You
In darkest places I will call
Incline Your ear to me anew
And hear my cry for mercy Lord

Were You to count my sinful ways
How could I come before Your throne
Yet full forgiveness meets my gaze
I stand redeemed by grace alone

[Chorus:]
I will wait for You, I will wait for You
On Your word I will rely
I will wait for You, surely wait for You
Till my soul is satisfied

So put Your hope in God alone
Take courage in His power to save
Completely and forever won
By Christ emerging from the grave
(Chorus)

Now He has come to make a way
And God Himself has paid the price
That all who trust in Him today
Find healing in His sacrifice

That all who trust in Him today
Find healing in His sacrifice

I will wait for You, I will wait for You
Through the storm and through the night
I will wait for You, surely wait for You
For Your love is my delight (x3)

I will wait for You, I will wait for You
On Your word I will rely
I will wait for You, surely wait for You
Till my soul is satisfied